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PUBLISHER'S NOTE

Where do these guys come from?

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As the US Supreme Court is poised to determine how queer issues will be treated under the law for what could be the remainder of my life, we have professional, Evangelical Christians and an Orthodox bishop coming out of the woodwork. One story tops the other. Where do these guys come from? Have they no gaydar? Do they even know what gaydar is?

Filing this in the Can’t Make It Up drawer –

Yoga. Pastor Mark Driscoll thinks yoga is bad.

Why?

He explains on his web site that because yoga is so intertwined with Hinduism, you can’t practice yoga without making the Baby Jesus cry. In a Seattle Times article last year, he said: “Should Christians stay away from yoga because of its demonic roots? Totally. Yoga is demonic. If you just sign up for a little yoga class, you’re signing up for a little demon class.”

Pathoes, The Friendly Atheist web site commented: Driscoll is like the Boy Who Cried Satan. Every time he says it, he loses more credibility, even with people who generally believe in the kind of bullshit he spews on a regular basis.

Caught up in his own bizarre narrative (like any delusional narcissist), Driscoll expanded his explanation by clarifying: A faithful Christian can no more say they are practicing yoga for Jesus than they can say they are committing adultery for Jesus.

…then Driscoll says (get this) – “yoga is often not overt in its teachings but rather weaves them through seemingly harmless practices such as stretching…” I knew it was the stretching!

…there’s more – Driscoll at one point said: “I thought I’d take this opportunity to provide a much fuller and comprehensive teaching on what yoga is and why it is in fact demonic. By demonic I mean it’s a spiritual act to a being other than the God of the Bible. And, for those unfamiliar with me, I’m no raging Christian fundamentalist.”

Perhaps not. But you are strange. I’d keep children away from you.

Orthodox Bishop no second

Bishop Neophytos of Morphou is no slouch when it comes to being clueless about gaydar.

Bishop Neophytos is known for ridiculous claims about LGBT people. Recently, he claimed if a pregnant woman has anal sex, the baby will be gay. Who knew? But his latest is award-whinning. LGBTI Cyprus has the anti-queer cleric on video claiming that holy men are able to tell if a man is gay by smelling him.

Of course, there’s always a parable. It’s about “a very handsome young man” and a “holy monk.”

“As he walked by… the monk said to him: ‘Young man I need to tell you. Stop what you’re doing’,” Neophytos said. “‘What am I?’ replied the young man.”

“‘This sleeping around. You’ll catch something, a disease, and die young. You should repent. There is joy in repenting’,” Neophytos narrated.

 “‘How do you know what I’ve been doing?’ replied the young man.”

“‘God showed me,’ said the monk. ‘As you walked by me, you had a nasty smell. These acts you’re doing, laying with men have a specific stink which I recognize,” Neoyphytus said in a monk’s voice. (Whatever that is.) “‘This is how holy men receive information from God’.”

If I spoke to anyone in public the same way, I’d be committed. But let’s face it folks, we allow those who believe in Sky Gods lot of breaks along the way, plus tax-free status in America. Even they blatantly violate that religious privilege and get smack in the middle of political campaigns.

Neoyphytus then told his (bleeping?) flock that the young man was “helped by his family’s prayers and stopped his acts. This young man now smells wonderful.” And he would know.

Sucking for Satan?

My fav - A New Jersey minister, says numerous media outlets, has been accused by his (Mother?) superiors of using oral sex to extract “evil spirits” from three men he was counseling.

Rev. Dr. William Weaver‘s church overseers noted “multiple acts of idolatry and sexual misconduct,” dating back to 1999. One day before his church ‘hearing’ (like letting the Vatican handle it) he resigned. Like any weasel would.

The three men involved, My Central Jersey reported, had reported Weaver to authorities in addition to his church leaders. The Union (NJ) County Prosecutor’s Office refused to confirm to MCJ whether they were investigating.

My Central Jersey reported: “A.J. Meeker, 37, said in a statement that he started seeing Weaver for counseling in 2000. At the time he was struggling with “abandonment issues, depression and anxiety,” and after joining Weaver’s church found him to be “a kind and compassionate person who was very easy to talk to.”

During the counseling, which was held in Weaver’s bedroom (where else?), Weaver allegedly claimed Meeker was filled with evil energy, citing Native American rituals and blaming “individuals based around the Watchung Reservation.” (As in ‘everybody Watchung tonight?’)

In order to remove the claimed evil, Weaver had Meeker lie naked on his bed, before placing coins and gemstones on his body, and ordering him to lie still.

Weaver then put his tongue in Meeker’s mouth and moved it around “to see if I had anything in my mouth or throat.” This then progressed to Weaver performing oral sex on Meeker.

“He would then ingest my ejaculate and then would spit up multiple pieces of plastic or metal into a Ziploc bag,” Meeker said. Weaver claimed these pieces were “hits,” created from his evil energy, and they needed to be removed.

Weaver would then hold Meeker and tell him “he loved me and he would protect me, and he would never let anything bad happen to me.” He also told Meeker not to tell people what they had done (the telltale sign,), as “nobody would understand.”

William Weist, 52, made similar accusations against Weaver. He said he sought Weaver’s help in his 30s, after witnessing the death of his wife’s son, saying he was at “an extremely low point.”

After initially discussing “Bible and Bible verses, and Jesus loves you, and all this stuff,” the counseling sessions “just evolved,” with Weaver allegedly introducing gemstones and discussions of “evil spirits.”

Despite these oddities, Weist felt he was improving after the trauma of seeing a dead body, saying, “I was able to now have those memories and not get upset by them, so I thought it was all helping.”

But things allegedly progressed to a similar place as Meeker, with Weist naked, ordered to remain still, and with Weaver telling him he would remove his “hits” through masturbation.

“I felt uneasy, but I took his word that this was necessary,” Weist said, adding, ““Feeling mortified was an understatement, but I didn’t want to say he was wrong, after he helped me to this point. I was so confused and upset I remember praying to God please let me get this over with!”

At his next session, Weist was told only oral sex would remove his “hits.”

“When it was over,” Weist said, “he showed me what looked to be a tiny metal ball and said that was what he got out of me.”

Weist says his low mental state was what allowed Weaver to take advantage of him: “I was so scared with everything that I was dealing with. I just felt scared, it was very raw.”

Weist says he suffered through several more sessions before he stopped attending counseling, saying it had left him feeling “so small and worthless, like a piece of trash in the street. I just couldn’t face what had happened to me.”

Jared Staunton, 36, said Weaver took advantage of him after his partner and father died just two months apart.

“I began to have a nervous breakdown right in front of him,” Staunton said. “It was at that moment, when I was completely broken and lost, that he took control over me.”

“Mentally I was gone,” he added, stating that he followed Weaver’s instructions because “all I could be was compliant.”

And there you have it.

Except that by the time readers get to the end of this column, the humor fades. It makes me wonder what tortured lives these individuals live. Each one of them – the clerics, the three men who brought complaints, and all those who really believe a representative of the Sky God Religion can make The Gay go away. At the end of the day, difficult as it is, I choose to be, as best I can, compassionate about these guys. That’s what, I think, a Manly-Man does. That doesn’t mean I allow them to go unnoticed or to inject their ridiculous religious beliefs into the process of establishing basic queer civil rights – and a separation of church and state. That’s my credo. What’s yours?